Facing My Fears in the City of Smoke and Snow

When I was a child, I was very fearful. I was shy, I hated crowds, and any new experiences were always extremely stressful. As I've grown older, I've made a conscious effort to push myself into situations that would help me deal with the anxieties that still linger from my childhood. One of these decisions was coming to Russia. It holds an overwhelming number of fears that were both anticipated and unanticipated. At heart, I'm a small town girl who would prefer to stay home and hear stories of adventures rather than take them, but two weeks ago I found myself thrust in the middle of Moscow running to the metro to get to shows. Had young me taken this trip, I wouldn't have made it the first day, much less these first few weeks. I was scared of crowds, of loud noises, of too many sounds, of language barriers, of getting lost, and of instability in any sense really. Moscow was all these fears realized all at once, even physical instability, as the snow covers the ground and mixes with dirt and cigarette smoke to make a slurry that makes every surface a hazard to walk on.  All this set at a brutal pace of a show every night, class every day, and sight-seeing in the afternoon.

At first, I thought I hated Moscow. I was tired of translating. I was tired of slipping every other step. Tired of inhaling secondhand cigarette smoke And in many ways I still am, but I love theater. I love drinking so much tea. When the light hits just right, and you look up from the snow falling around your boots when you walk through the streets of Moscow you can be shocked by the stunning beauty that is Russian architecture and Russian culture. I've been abroad before to France, Belgium, and Ireland, and the Russian aesthetic is an entirely separate one from more western ones. Women are in full makeup and full furs, which looks surprisingly luxurious. So as I leave Moscow for St. Petersburg I think that I don't hate it, and perhaps one summer when the sun has melted the snow and a nice summer breeze has cleared the smoke I'd like to return.